Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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