Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
