well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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