I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
