You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
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I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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