Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
