I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
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I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
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I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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