well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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