I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.