Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.

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(570): If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid. http://tfl.nu/ujtp

Replies (16) Good night (956) Bad night (3582)
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(740): View more from Ohio

I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD

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(740): I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD http://tfl.nu/hcwh

Replies (24) Good night (837) Bad night (5256)
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(206): View more from Washington

You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

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(206): You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack.. http://tfl.nu/nf69

Replies (61) Good night (18103) Bad night (1346)
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(518): View more from New York

alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?

(1-518): View more from New York

dude. you drew those with your dick

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(518): alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from? (1-518): dude. you drew those with your dick http://tfl.nu/4t0i

Replies (24) Good night (7467) Bad night (1603)
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(845): View more from New York

The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.

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(845): The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor. http://tfl.nu/klg7

Replies (5) Good night (3978) Bad night (1542)
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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment

(757): View more from Virginia

Personally I think it's a tremendous investment

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(215): I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment (757): Personally I think it's a tremendous investment http://tfl.nu/ikjn

Replies (8) Good night (2932) Bad night (912)
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(248): View more from Michigan

He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.

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(248): He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history. http://tfl.nu/5nwi

Replies (4) Good night (2792) Bad night (939)
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(860): View more from Connecticut

Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good

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(860): Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum (1-860): I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good http://tfl.nu/bjb1

Replies (7) Good night (976) Bad night (459)
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(970): View more from Colorado

The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful

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(970): The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful http://tfl.nu/mqfz

Replies (7) Good night (829) Bad night (459)
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(805): View more from California

Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!

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(805): Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?! http://tfl.nu/o9wh

Replies (4) Good night (693) Bad night (392)
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(727): View more from Florida

I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon

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(727): I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon http://tfl.nu/419o

Replies (8) Good night (485) Bad night (326)
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(719): View more from Colorado

It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single

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(719): It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single http://tfl.nu/v0bh

Replies (3) Good night (637) Bad night (461)
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(860): View more from Connecticut

It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?

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(860): It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now? http://tfl.nu/w7no

Replies (6) Good night (652) Bad night (421)
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(816): View more from Missouri

She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray

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(816): She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray http://tfl.nu/aoxt

Replies (6) Good night (802) Bad night (269)
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(904): View more from Florida

I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.

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(904): I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler. http://tfl.nu/oxai

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