His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
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