one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
