Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
