The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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