the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
