so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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