You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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