my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
