First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
