Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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