ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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