It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
