i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
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Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
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He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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