Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
