like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
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