Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
