there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
