just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Redeem this text for a blowjob
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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