i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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