if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
