Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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