but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
