The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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