I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
