her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
