Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm passing your future prison.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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