Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
