I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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