My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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