He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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