Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
