Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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