Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
