We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
