I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
