i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
