No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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