The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
