Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize