im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
