I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
