i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
