I want to walk on stilts...naked
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
