You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
