woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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