She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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