the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
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Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
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True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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