I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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